What Do You Even Do There

Can you provide me with this information, I have been requesting this information, no one wants to give it to me, I need it, Can you.

What do you mean no. What do you mean no.

What do you mean you don't know who I am. I just told you.

Who can I talk to.

That person you put me through to put me through to you. No, that person is on leave.

What.

I said that person is on leave. Because you just put me through to their voicemail.

What.

Do you know this information.

Can't you tell me this information.

If I waited for you to send it to me I would never get it.

I having been waiting for the file for 8 months.

What do you mean it needs to be audited this information never changes.

Can I speak to your line manager.

Can I speak to your manager.

Can I speak to someone who knows what they are doing.

Okay, sorry, sor--

Can you tell me this information.

What do you mean I need to fill out a form... then what happens.

Why can't you just tell me now.

But I asked for the information 8 months ago... can't you just read it to me off the screen.

What about if you email me the information. What do you mean you can't email.

Fax? Post-- no scrap that, been waiting 8 months.

What if I need to contact you again BECAUSEINEEDTHEINFORMA-- because I need the information, that's why I would want to contact you again.

What do you mean you don't give out email addresses. What's your direct line. Okay then, what's your em--, no that's right, you don't know, okay. Phone number. Not the switchboard number your ph- Okay, what's your name. WHAT DO YOU MEAN. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T GIVE ME YOUR NAME. WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO THERE.

Paperclips

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

pH Reading

Why isn't Christmas eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve eve a public holiday
Why isn't Christmas eve a public holiday

I Review Al'Chemy Intensive Moisture Shampoo !!

Made with nourishing rice amino acids, wheat protein, vitamins E & B5 with richly moisturising pure botanical cleansers. Includes panama bark combined with jasmine and certified organic lavender essences to help strengthen, soften and restore flexibility to damaged and dry hair.

Describing my hair as dull leads to all sorts of tiresome commentary on how my hair isn't dull, how my hair has an active social life thank you, a rapier wit actually, all delivered in that sly tone that the home comedienne affects to import the sense that he gets the joke for you.

This strand of thinking compares not too favourably with shirts that describe the wearer as an amateur doctor of some kind, the shirts that the wearer ironically believes will not allow him to perform any doctoring (of some kind) but still sort of wishes in the back of his head that it will strike up some sort of conversation...that will lead to the amateur hour he professes to be unskilled in.

When the wearer is wearing said shirt one does everything one can to escape - quick exit, phone a friend, swallow both barrels of a shotgun. Myself, I ensure my hair is not dull, thereby affording me the luxury of knowing I won't be accosted at parties in the corner by this type of social reject who believes they are on a mission from God, have you seen Blues Brothers, Belushi man, funny, but died fat drugged after a cheap prozzie fuck.

Al'chemy shampoo makes my hair totally not fucking dull. Restores lustre. Shiny. So I'm never going to have to chew my leg off to escape any social traps.

You thought I was going to bang on for a while about wheat protein, maybe throw in a vegan joke, yeah well. I didn't. Saving the good stuff.

Kill Your Head 1

"A Great Ox Stands On My Tongue."

Taking a Complaint Further

Where a complainant has exhausted all avenues available through Shared Services to resolve the complaint, does not accept a final resolution offered and wishes to formally pursue the matter via an external review, that person has a right, and may lodge a complaint with the Ombudsman Date Updated: 03-DEC-2008


The more I read this the more my thoughts get tangled like wet spaghetti. The paragraph looks like it was written in a toilet stall then dictated (but not read) to Opie. This was taken from the OSS webpage. This was taken from the future.

Reading this leads me to believe that the religion of OSS is Obscurant, and the principal philosophy is Regression.

Managerialism (SIC, I'm so angry writing that, fucking sic) takes the greatest language in the world, the language of Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, the Songs of Solomon, David Foster Wallace, Orwell, Bukowski and churns it into sausage meat. Spat out in tubes of cat gut. Cheap shit for us to eat.

English translated to Arabic to Bulgarian to Catalan to Croation to Danish to English:

When the source is exhausted all the possibilities available through common facilities to resolve the complaint did not make the final decision and officially propose a desire to help with this problem through external study, which has the right to lodge a complaint with the Ombudsman.

Do you think this is any harder to read. Do you think this is any harder to understand.

Suffocation Is Medication

Yesterday I had nothing to eat except an epic amount of fruit and coffee and then preserved lemon mushroom couscous for dinner. Today I had toast for breakfast and forgot to eat lunch. I had a ridiculous amount of green tea and x10100000010100 coffees. Lots of dizzy spells. This is how I answered the phone:

"Yeah."
"I was wondering if you could help me."
"I can. (sic)"
"I'm looking at the amounts quoted on the letter dated 2 July 2008 and I can't reconcile the figures against my own paperwork-"
"(tunnel vision)."
"-the discrepancy must be in your figures because my records indicate that-"
"(I move to the light)"
"-&&&&&&&&$@@@@$$$$$$$$######$$$$$$$$$$%%%%%%%%%%"
"(I move to the light)"
"CAN YOU HEAR ME"

Everything is frothing about me.... bubbling up... who knows what will rise from the bottom...

My tongue flaps about in my mouth like a fish. My breath smells fucking horrible. Constipated thought and prolapsed consciousness. I feel someone ordered a hit on my sense of humour and it's hiding in Scarborough. I'll show you. I'll show you all. But right now I just.. need.. a nap..

Payroll Is A Gang

Payroll is a gang

My Name Is Legion

When someone is not happy with your performance they will tell you they are going to go over your head. They are going to take it to the top. The more aggrieved the complainant the more over the top they will go. Which I love. I always assume that the underlying premise is that people believe this sort of threat will inspire some sort of superhuman activity... some frenzied rush to action. Are they expecting some revelation of insight from the bureaucrat? Oh OF COURSE ! What was I THINKING ! That clause of the Act was to be read in conjuction with the Agreement... no wonder my advice conflicted! What have I done! What have I failed to do. What they don't realise is that no matter where they refer the issue there is always going to be one more of me to talk to. For we are many. The threats are of three - taking it to your manager, taking it to my manager, taking it to our manager. Sometimes everyone. Sometimes external agencies... lawyers, accountants, unit coordinator, corp, God, country. Sometimes it turns into an email CC clusterfuck. The absolute best thing is when a torrent of abuse is emailed to every second- and third-tier manager somehow related to the matter... an email written with spittle on the lips... two index fingers jutting out of two fists pounding the shit out of the keys... you feel the need to reach out, if only to wipe the bile from the corner of their mouths. You can imagine that as the email is written the email is shouted to all corners of their shitty cubicle. No need for spell check on this one, NO TIME!!, it's only going to go to the most important (I am taking this to the TOP!) movers and shakers. "Nevre have I been dealth with in such an unproffessional manner!!!" The email is sent, the anger subsides, the torrent of abuse slackens to a mealy mouthed mutter. And then the return email. Out-of-the office assistant auto-response. Your email will be dealt with on my return. You can almost hear the ulcers burst. Like an ear drum rupturing as the breakers roll down on you and pummel you into the shale. The tide will always rip you out. Just accept it. You are nothing to the surf.

Timesheet Audit 1

735: Arrive. Clock in at 730
745: Turn on computer.
749: Go for a bit of a walk.
851: Return to get coffee cup.
853: Go for a bit of a walk to get a coffee.
805: Log in.
80501: Invariably, you will have difficulty logging in. Reboot. Complain. Hit mouse.
815: It's time to work.
904: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
907: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
909: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
911: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
915: It's fucking time for a coffee.
917: The employee next to you has already done more work in the hour 17 he has been here than you will all day. Might as well cease activity now and check your emails.
918: Ask employee next to you if the have seen the video. Show them the video. Send them the video. Watch it over their shoulder.
1028: Time to start thinking about lunch. Make a few phone calls.
1134: Probably okay to go for a bit of a walk and get a coffee. Better have a chat to Finance as well. Might as well. Out for a walk.
1155: Lunch. Clock off at 12.
1240: Lunch over. Clock on at 1230.
1245: Coffee. More email.
1255-1:30: Some decent work. Plenty of time to sneak in a few personal calls.
204: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
206: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
209: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
215: It's fucking time for a coffee.
300: Talk loudly about nothing at all. 300 is always time to talk loudly.
310: Make another sexist joke to make it a baker's dozen for the day. The 13th joke is for free.
315: Start packing up.
325: Leave work. Clock off at 330.

Office Christmas Party II

Working on the edge
losing my self-respect
for a man who presides over me
the principles of his creed.
Punch in punch out
8 hours 5 days a week
sweat, pain and agony -
on Friday I`ll get paid.

I Review Big Shampoo !!

BIG SHAMPOO

Ingredients:
Sea Salt (Sodium Chloride), Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Fresh Lemon Infusion (Citrus limonum), Toothed Wrack Seaweed Infusion (Fucus serratus), Scottish Sea Water (Aqua), Cocamide DEA, Lauryl Betaine, Fresh Lime Juice (Citrus limetta), Coconut Oil (Cocos nucifera), Neroli Oil (Citrus amara), Mandarin Oil (Citrus nobilis), Vanilla Absolute (Vanilla planifolia), Orris Absolute (Iris florentina), Perfume, Methylparaben, Propylparaben.

Once, in the brief 8 month period when I drank, someone threw a rubbish bin that was refuse for long-spent tequila slammers in my face. As I slipped in the wet grass and wiped a stinging lather out of my eyes, I thought to myself, when will this be bottled for my pleasure.

For times when I want to remember having limes thrown at me while swimming in the red sea... or dropping my fruit salad cup in the salinated wheat farms of the wheatbelt... this shampoo is for me.

The strong lather is more than is necessary in a turkish bath house. Soon my forearms are soaped up and slippery. I lick my lips nervously. When my neighbour flushes her toilet and the showerhead spastically sprays ice cold torrents fresh off the Arctic, I instinctively bite down on the towel rail and try to relax.

Is this shampoo about destroying something beautiful? Like that turd movie Ed Norton was in. Bye bye oscar nomination.

Trying to remove the pungent imagery from my mind I read the label. Lime, salt, shiny, seaweed. Hey, I think this is what I used to drink...

While I have been cursed with a hairline resembling the outgoing tide of Broome beaches, I always follow every shampoo trend. And if I can transform some of my dried seaweed tentacles into flowing live silken threads, then I am more than happy to invoke memories I, and my psychiatristm thought long suppressed. Analsty suprise. A ring of truth. But hair that shines.

Dissolve

Please submit form 566 to accompany form 392 and contract letter. Please refer to the relevant bpm entry concerning delegations. Form 566 was submitted without signatures. Please submit form 566 with appropriate signatures per bpm entry concerning delegations. Please resubmit form 392 with appropriate signautres per bpm entry concerning delegations. Please have employee sign contract letter. Please submit all forms with appropriate delegations. Please delegation all forms to form a delegation. Please form delegation to appropriate appropriate delegations. Please delegate from appropriate forms. To form from. Please please please form. Delegate from. Appropriate please please please form delegate form from please appropriate delegate. Please form to please to please to appropriate to please to form to please from please to as where appropriate to as where to please to form from appropriate delegation.

Caps Locked and Loaded

I HAVE EMAILED EVERYONE I KNOW THIS GIF AND NOW I HAVE SEEN THE GIF ALMOST A HUNDRED TIMES, I FOUND JOOP IN MY POCKET, I AM GOING TO GO DO PUSHUPS AND DRINK A LENTIL PROTEIN SHAKE AND WRITE A NOVEL. I AM SO SIKED. THE GLORY AGAIN. THE POWER AGAIN.

HOLY SHIT, WHAT BETTER GIFT CAN A MAN GIVE THAN ANOTHER MAN FRONT FLIPPING ONTO HIS FUCKING SKATEBOARD, I MEAN CHRIST, I MEAN GOD, I MEAN CHRIST, LOOK AT HIS HAIR, HIS ORANGE T SHIRT. HIS COOLJEANS. TIME TO GO INTRODUCE SOME BOLD INTO THIS PARAGRAPH. ARE THOSE VANS? YES SIR, TOLD YOU I WOULD AND I DID

2008 ENDS ON A HIGH

THIS IS THE LOGOS, THIS IS THE LIVING WORD, THIS THE ADRENAL GLAND SUCKED DRY AND CHEWED TO A LEATHERED SKIN. I LOOK AT THIS AND SEE GOD. I WANT TO GO SWIMMING RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO GO JUMP IN A SWIMMING POOL.

THIS IS THE EQUIVALENT TO SEEING YOUR FAVOURITE BAND REUNITE, DRINKING YOUR FAVOURITE ENERGY DRINK, EATING AN APPLEALL WHILE WEARING SOME COOLJEANS

WHAT IS THE SOUNDTRACK TO THIS... I FEEL LIKE OFF FRAME THE JACKSON FIVE ARE GOING CRAZY. AMAZING. HIS TSHIRT IS THE COLOUR OF SUMMER

THESE POSITIVE VIBES I AM SENDING OUT ARE ACTUALLY MAKING ME A LITTLE TIRED.

EVERYTIME I GET UPSET I LOOK AT THIS

I AM LOOKING AT THIS NOW, I AM THINKING OF SUMMER, I AM THINKING OF FRONT FLIPS, I AM THINKING OF COOLJEANS, I AM THINKING OF SUMMER... GOD, I WANT A LITRE AND A HALF OF ICECOFFEE SLOSHING AROUND IN MY BELLY, TO RUN AROUND THE PARK AND DO PUSHUPS, I AM SO FUCKING SIKED. FUCK ME. LOOK AT HIS COOL JEANS. ORANGE T SHIRT. SUMMER. ORANGE T SHIRT.