Dead is Dead is Dead

SOUL OF PANTHER IS DEAD
LONG LIVE KNX HAIR KING
knxlife.tumblr.com

No more payroll

Amazing Conversations I Thought I Would Have With My Grandma But Have Instead Had With My Co-workers 2

DON'T TURN IT OFF OTHERWISE HOW WILL I MAKE CALLS? (as I hand them their mobile phone)

Amazing Conversations I Thought I Would Have With My Grandma But Have Instead Had With My Co-workers 1

MY COMPUTER FROZE AND NOW I CAN'T LOGIN (frantically double clicks screendump of login screen that has been emailed to them)

Timesheet Audit 3

9:10 close enough to 8:30. clock in
9:20 breakfast at desk
9:35 turn on computer
13:30 report computer fault
13:35 lunch
14:10 lunch
14:40 lunch
15:00 lunch
15:10 hometime!

Failure

Failure

I Wish I Was Accounts Receivable 2

[some time later]

Accounts Recieved I am going to send you some paperwork back
Office Are they not the originals
Accounts Receivable Do you even know what you are doing?
Office (...)
Accounts Receivable Because I don't think you do.
Office Just send me the paperwork
Accounts Recievable Don't forget original proformas!
Office I
Accounts Receiveable OkHaveANiceWeekendGoodBye

I Wish I Was Accounts Receivable

Office Why is this papework returned
Accounts payable You need to send the original proforma
Office It was
Accounts payable No it wasn't. It has been returned
Office I am looking at it. It is not a copy
Accounts payable Yes it is
Office No it is not
Accounts payable My boss says it looks like a copy
Office Well it's not
Accounts payable Well send it back
Office Why couldn't you have rung to sort this out?
Accounts payable What's one day?
Office Two days post up two days post down two day weekend deadline missed three week delay
Accounts payable Send me the original proforma

Time

Time and time again

Limited Power And The People That Exercise It

'Oh hay, that's okay, these will all go into one bag.'
'NO THEY WON'T. THESE WILL GO INTO ONE BAG. THESE WILL GO INTO ANOTHER BAG. THE BAGS ARE THIN. THEY WILL BREAK. I DON'T WANT YOU COMING BACK TO ME AND GIVING ME THAT RESPONSIBILITY OF YOUR BROKEN TOMATO'
'Oh okay then... I guess... that could be fine.'
Waits until groceries are packed into two bags. Unpacks them. Packs groceries into one bag. Leaves. Accepts the responsibility of the broke tomato.

Real Life Encounters

I’m so busy, she said. You know those days when you have a list of things to do and you just don’t get around to doing them. I have to leave bit earlier today, have to pick my kid up at 4, that’s alright, I’m here enough, what’s fifteen minutes. Look, I’ll just put 4 on my timesheet, what’s the difference. Only fifteen minutes. Oh no – I eat my lunch at my desk! Far too busy. Look, she says, digging in her handbag. I just have to go out, quick cigarette. I might just up the street as well. Might as well. I’ve got to get a stationary order, post office. While I’m there I might as well – do you have a lighter, no, okay I think I know where mine – might as well do some shopping, pick up dinner. Only quick, got to go and get. Look, she says, picking up a cup with a fat teabag sunk in estuarine water. I haven’t even had time to finish my tea! Yeah, no, just nicked a teabag from the kitchenette. I’m not putting in five bucks towards the kitty, no way. Too tight to give you a measly teabag round here. Cigarette, lighter. I haven’t even had time to check my email. Shit, phone. She lets it ring, then dumps her handbag under her desk and puts a cigarette and lighter next to a bunch of fluoro-haired troll dolls with keychains winding out their anuses and takes the phone off the cradle and puts it to her ear. Hello. Speaking. Yeah. Yeah. Look, let me just, look I’ve been so busy, let me just put you on hold – hey, where’s that file, she asks, cradling the phone to her ear, hands free. Yep that’s the one. Flicks through and then spreads the file flat with one hand, holds a post it note between finger and thumb. Did you order this? No, I thought you were going to. I haven’t even had time to check my email. I thought you. Okay. Shit. You there? No look, I haven’t even had time to check my email, I’m surprised you didn’t get it, was ordered and. No, I’ve been that busy. I’ll make a phone call. But I don’t know when, I’m just so – hang on. She covers the mouthpiece with one hand and the file folds up and slips off the desk. Shit. Distracted, her hands float to her hair, patting down the grey blonde streaks. Her eyes line up with the other woman standing absentmindedly at her own desk across the partition and she says, Hey, before you go, don’t forget to show me. Yeah, that video. Yeah it’s supposed to be. Hi, you there? Sorry about that. Look, I’ll have to let you go. Yeh, got another call. Yeh, go-go-go. Yep. No I won’t be in this afternoon. 4. Yep. Work-related. Tell you what, email me. Yep. Will do. Okay. She hangs up, and drops her hands palm down, thick bracelets up her arms bang heavy on the prefab desk. Tell you what, talk! Anyway, ciggy time. I’ve earned it. Where did I put. You know I’ve been so busy. Yeah, look, tomorrow, if you can order. Yeah. You’re not in. Guess can wait until Monday. Oh well. We’re busy, just have to do. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Honey Is For Winter. Stingers Are For Killing (let me out of this cold cold world) (hive 1 & hive 2)

Hive 1.
Being a bureaucrat means always sitting inside being cold. Why are the air conditioners always turned up so high. Somedays I get to work before the sun gets up and get home after the sun goes down and eat my lunch in the tea-room ... no vitamin D, sitting in perma-frost, pale skin. My ears hurt from the whine of the air conditioning vents, computer fans. I want to punch a hole in the wall and let some of that sunshine in. From here the sun looks tangible, viscous. The heat from the asphalt on the highway running out of town making the horizon wavy, watery. Horizon dripping out of the sky into the land. All that sun washing over the the buildings and frying the grass. You can almost see the grass burning. If I punched a wall it would drip in like honey. I wouldn't steal the sunshinehoney. It's not mine to steal.

Hive 2.
Stealing honey from bees makes me uncomfortable. When I watch that advert on television I don't think I am seeing the same thing as other people. You know the advert I am talking about. Fresh food people. Woolworths. Or maybe it's Coles (why don't they fucking merge already, sick of the faux-differentiation. A choice between two high bulk carrier retailers is not a choice so take it away. Police state now. Fascist state now. Cuba state now). Old man loves toast - loves toast - so much he gets a fresh loaf every morning (a whole loaf? How much toast does he eat? Bread lasts more than a day. That Woolworths shit lasts a year. And you're cooking it. Fuck. Being a day old isn't going to make a difference to the toast, sleep in an hour already). Him sitting at the table, by himself, talking to himself (the camera, sure, but really himself, let's keep that fourth wall up. "Little bit of buttttteerrrr, annnnnnnd- some honey." Close up of the honey. "I stole that." Heh.Heh.Heh. "I love toast." Heh.Heh.Heh. Bee swarm attack. Kill the old man. Honey is for winter. Stingers are for killing.

ADMI NKNX

Goonoonoorang endless summer perma-vacation

adminknx

Write it across my knuckles like the Pitfall shirt

New Direction

THERE WILL NOT BE ANY MORE stagedives, cage dancing, cafe, financial review, being a big fish in a small pond and king of the muckheap, yelling at my phone, taking voicemail messages while listening to voicemail messages, two word emails, giving my boss the finger and the office a spray, film festivals, turntables

BUT THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF hot nights, black bean burritos, always being number 1 and still the one, bullshit paperwork, filing, talking to HR, signing in duplicate and triplicate, jammed photocopiers will never go away, and neither will 'this file is corrupt'. Meetings, clients, casual dress codes, abuse, phone calls, abuse, phone calls, abuse, a door to slam and an attitude to match, the mundane, the trivial, tv-on-dvd, Amazon, Ebay.

I am going to take this job and shove it and then take this other job and really give it a go. I've never been the recommended applicant and I never plan to be. You expect second best I'll give you the worst. Paiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin. I have never failed to fail.

Shell As Hard As Steel

We are the underdogs

Drinking With Your Work Mates

Every so often I want to go to work in a striped blue shirt and shotgun Red Bull and drink at lunch time and fire off emails and make snappy banter and slap girls on the arse and Slamdunk the Henderson Account and reply to a dozen or so of my 500 emails and walk around my cubicle with my bluetooth and go jogging right before hitting the pub/nightclub/girlfriend/ATM/kebab stand/train station/bottom of what I thought was a bottomless well of despair.

***In my head I have this whole metaphor worked out about how the well is deep and it's full of water (despair) and you can float on water and when you (the well) are (is) full of despair (water) you float back to the top but mostly I want to go back to making rape jokes about Vice Presidents.

Pocketing my cufflinks and rolling up my sleeves and synchronising my Outlook Calendar and she didn't say no but she didn't exactly say yes and talking about clients and charging it to the expense account and eating Chinese and hi-fiving and dancing while always holding my beer in one hand and an ass in the other and still talking about work and walking home with my tie in my back pocket and my shirt half pulled out and punching the wall on every alternate step and saying i HATE (punch) myself i HATE (punch) myself .

Blaming the cuts on my fists to a fishing accident. Talking about that promotion. Getting that raise. I'm in hell.

Foxes in Steel Traps

You Feel Trapped You Feel
Nothing Cardboard Cell Cardboard Jail
The Process Has You

To Fight The Process
You Can't Help But Fight The Process
The Process Will Win

Complete All The Forms
Submit All Forms By The Deadline
You Lose The Forms You

Sign Where Marked Sign Here
Tick Marked Tick Here Check Marked Check Here
You Miss One Box You

Call The HR Line
Dial 1 For... Dial 2 For... To Hear...
You Are On Hold You

Lose You Lose Your Mind
Your Spirit Your Fight The Process
Has You It Has You

Grey Carpet Grey Suit
I Was Not Always Like This You
Know. Now You Don't Know.

Returning From Leave 2

You are the furthermost point from taking more leave. Suffer.

Preparing For The Interview With The Panel

We'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for your time. We expect to shortlist in the upcoming week and GGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Returning From Leave

Returning From Leave.

Cons: Month-old emails, full voicemail, the orange in your drawer you thought you tossed, reading minutes of meetings you didn't attend, trying to find who borrowed your cup, adjusting your chair back to how you like it, explaining how your holiday was in one sentence, coming up-to-speed (sic) with new departmental policy

Pros: Jerking off in the toilet cubicle (again)

I Review Clinique Liquid Fash Wash Regular Strength !!

GQUK called this their face wash of the year (2008). GQUK called Clinique's entire range the best of the year (2008). I can never tell when GQUK is being completely legitimate. It is not to say that Clinique's advertising dollars buy more than ad space... or that 'articles' [http://tinyurl.com/ccsysy] on the magazine's website are little more than info stubs... (although the 30-odd words do get a byline. Way to strain yourself Jamie Millar. Must have stayed up night sweating over the hyphen in oil-free). But something definitely rubs the wrong way. Clinique definitely doesn't rub the wrong way (WHAT A LEAD IN!!!). Nice lather, lasts a suitable amount of time (about an office day), compliments other products outside of the Clinique range. Sometimes scents clash, or the intensity of one product overpowers another, but no such trouble with the Liquid Face Wash Regular Strength. But I don't know that Clinique's range for men would survive scrutiny on its own merit, without the Clinique range. The argument being that Clinique may stand for quality, but quality in women's products. So the transfer of authority and prestige is not so apparent. Maybe GQ needs to do a blind test. But then maybe they are afraid Pepsi would feel nicer as a Liquid Face Wash. I had this idea once that coffee in the shower was the ultimate start to the day. This was when I was trying to model my self as a late-twenties-vice-president. You know what I am talking about. Striped blue shirts. Red Bull. Take-no-prisoners, don't-bullshit-a-bullshitter. I am so busy I need to drink in the shower and change into my suit in my office. That's why I sleep with the secretary. Multitask. I figure she can buy the flowers she wants with the money from the harassment settlement (again, multitask). Anyway, drinking coffee in the shower meant I had to change to drinking long blacks. I need to be drinking coffee longer than the conditioner sits in my hair, otherwise what's the point. Might as well drink at my kitchen nook like all the other plebs. Two things always used to happen when drinking coffee. One was I would mistake my coffee cup for my shave rinse jar and end up scraping stubble off my chin with Fiori Single Estate Roast grounds. The other was inevitably I would spill coffee on my face while in the shower. I learned that people called me Two Face because one side of my face was always scalded (that is the reason right??), Clinique Liquid Face Wash Regular Strength is a better substitute than coffee, even if it cannot be said to be wildly better than other Face Wash products, and the Vice President life is not for me. Especially if I am not actually a Vice President.