Kill Your Head 1

"A Great Ox Stands On My Tongue."

Taking a Complaint Further

Where a complainant has exhausted all avenues available through Shared Services to resolve the complaint, does not accept a final resolution offered and wishes to formally pursue the matter via an external review, that person has a right, and may lodge a complaint with the Ombudsman Date Updated: 03-DEC-2008


The more I read this the more my thoughts get tangled like wet spaghetti. The paragraph looks like it was written in a toilet stall then dictated (but not read) to Opie. This was taken from the OSS webpage. This was taken from the future.

Reading this leads me to believe that the religion of OSS is Obscurant, and the principal philosophy is Regression.

Managerialism (SIC, I'm so angry writing that, fucking sic) takes the greatest language in the world, the language of Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, the Songs of Solomon, David Foster Wallace, Orwell, Bukowski and churns it into sausage meat. Spat out in tubes of cat gut. Cheap shit for us to eat.

English translated to Arabic to Bulgarian to Catalan to Croation to Danish to English:

When the source is exhausted all the possibilities available through common facilities to resolve the complaint did not make the final decision and officially propose a desire to help with this problem through external study, which has the right to lodge a complaint with the Ombudsman.

Do you think this is any harder to read. Do you think this is any harder to understand.

Suffocation Is Medication

Yesterday I had nothing to eat except an epic amount of fruit and coffee and then preserved lemon mushroom couscous for dinner. Today I had toast for breakfast and forgot to eat lunch. I had a ridiculous amount of green tea and x10100000010100 coffees. Lots of dizzy spells. This is how I answered the phone:

"Yeah."
"I was wondering if you could help me."
"I can. (sic)"
"I'm looking at the amounts quoted on the letter dated 2 July 2008 and I can't reconcile the figures against my own paperwork-"
"(tunnel vision)."
"-the discrepancy must be in your figures because my records indicate that-"
"(I move to the light)"
"-&&&&&&&&$@@@@$$$$$$$$######$$$$$$$$$$%%%%%%%%%%"
"(I move to the light)"
"CAN YOU HEAR ME"

Everything is frothing about me.... bubbling up... who knows what will rise from the bottom...

My tongue flaps about in my mouth like a fish. My breath smells fucking horrible. Constipated thought and prolapsed consciousness. I feel someone ordered a hit on my sense of humour and it's hiding in Scarborough. I'll show you. I'll show you all. But right now I just.. need.. a nap..

Payroll Is A Gang

Payroll is a gang

My Name Is Legion

When someone is not happy with your performance they will tell you they are going to go over your head. They are going to take it to the top. The more aggrieved the complainant the more over the top they will go. Which I love. I always assume that the underlying premise is that people believe this sort of threat will inspire some sort of superhuman activity... some frenzied rush to action. Are they expecting some revelation of insight from the bureaucrat? Oh OF COURSE ! What was I THINKING ! That clause of the Act was to be read in conjuction with the Agreement... no wonder my advice conflicted! What have I done! What have I failed to do. What they don't realise is that no matter where they refer the issue there is always going to be one more of me to talk to. For we are many. The threats are of three - taking it to your manager, taking it to my manager, taking it to our manager. Sometimes everyone. Sometimes external agencies... lawyers, accountants, unit coordinator, corp, God, country. Sometimes it turns into an email CC clusterfuck. The absolute best thing is when a torrent of abuse is emailed to every second- and third-tier manager somehow related to the matter... an email written with spittle on the lips... two index fingers jutting out of two fists pounding the shit out of the keys... you feel the need to reach out, if only to wipe the bile from the corner of their mouths. You can imagine that as the email is written the email is shouted to all corners of their shitty cubicle. No need for spell check on this one, NO TIME!!, it's only going to go to the most important (I am taking this to the TOP!) movers and shakers. "Nevre have I been dealth with in such an unproffessional manner!!!" The email is sent, the anger subsides, the torrent of abuse slackens to a mealy mouthed mutter. And then the return email. Out-of-the office assistant auto-response. Your email will be dealt with on my return. You can almost hear the ulcers burst. Like an ear drum rupturing as the breakers roll down on you and pummel you into the shale. The tide will always rip you out. Just accept it. You are nothing to the surf.

Timesheet Audit 1

735: Arrive. Clock in at 730
745: Turn on computer.
749: Go for a bit of a walk.
851: Return to get coffee cup.
853: Go for a bit of a walk to get a coffee.
805: Log in.
80501: Invariably, you will have difficulty logging in. Reboot. Complain. Hit mouse.
815: It's time to work.
904: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
907: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
909: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
911: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
915: It's fucking time for a coffee.
917: The employee next to you has already done more work in the hour 17 he has been here than you will all day. Might as well cease activity now and check your emails.
918: Ask employee next to you if the have seen the video. Show them the video. Send them the video. Watch it over their shoulder.
1028: Time to start thinking about lunch. Make a few phone calls.
1134: Probably okay to go for a bit of a walk and get a coffee. Better have a chat to Finance as well. Might as well. Out for a walk.
1155: Lunch. Clock off at 12.
1240: Lunch over. Clock on at 1230.
1245: Coffee. More email.
1255-1:30: Some decent work. Plenty of time to sneak in a few personal calls.
204: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
206: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
209: It's almost time for a coffee. Time to talk about getting a coffee.
215: It's fucking time for a coffee.
300: Talk loudly about nothing at all. 300 is always time to talk loudly.
310: Make another sexist joke to make it a baker's dozen for the day. The 13th joke is for free.
315: Start packing up.
325: Leave work. Clock off at 330.

Office Christmas Party II

Working on the edge
losing my self-respect
for a man who presides over me
the principles of his creed.
Punch in punch out
8 hours 5 days a week
sweat, pain and agony -
on Friday I`ll get paid.